My spouse and I consider ourselves an online dating success story - so it only makes sense that we turned to online matching to build our family, as well. In one of the first Donor-Recipient matching groups I joined, there was a resource section with documents designed to help you through the matching process. Pages upon pages of considerations, and questions to ask of a potential donor or recipient. I've honed in on a few must-haves for a successful match, along with some insight into how we made our decisions.
Similar goals. You and your donor or recipient must be on the same page regarding the future relationship you want. Some donors might want to receive monthly emails. Some recipients might not be comfortable sharing photos of their child. Some families might want to match with someone close by, while others might like some distance. We believe that open donor relationships are beneficial to donor-conceived children, and that was a priority for us in our donor search.
Similar Parenting Philosophies. Focus on dealbreakers only here. Too much investment in specifics might be a red flag - like the one potential donor I spoke with who at one point referred to donation as someone else "raising his kids" (not a mindset I would recommend for those seeking an EDA arrangement, BTW). Both families need to be able to run their own households and make their own parenting choices. Decide what's non-negotiable for you - For example, we were only willing to match with another #provax household.
Timeline. Make sure you have similar expectations for when you'd like the legal process to be completed. From the first Facebook message, to the arrival of the embryos at our clinic, our process took just over one full year. This was great for all parties in our case, especially since we wanted to build a relationship before we were ready to conceive. However, for others (especially those who have already been trying to conceive on their own) a year to be an unacceptably long wait.
The final (and potentially most important) consideration is just... a feeling. This is a human relationship like any other, and a part of you needs to simply trust that when it's right, you'll know. Do you like each other, or do your conversations have you walking on eggshells? Does the thought of this person / people being in your life forever feel good, or terrifying? We wanted to find donors who we could consider friends, and waiting for a match that just felt right was ultimately what gained us that relationship.
Are you looking for an EDA match? Already found one? Tell me what you consider essential!
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