The Weird and Wonderful World of Facebook Groups

Online spaces have been a major resource for me at basically every stage of our pursuit of parenthood. Early on when looking into Embryo Donation, I was directed to a number of EDA-specific Facebook groups. Want to match with donors? There’s a group for that. Want to get advice from recipients who have already been through the process? There’s a group for that. Curious about the perspective of donor-conceived people? You guessed it, there’s a group for that. If my spouse wonders what I'm reacting to on my phone, chances are good the answer is "just a post in my Embryo Recipient group." These groups are where I spend a lot of my online time, and my experience has been largely positive.

Now, like any online community, many of these groups are susceptible to toxic behavior - infighting, moral

grandstanding, etc. Others might not provide the content I want or need (for example, many EDA groups are explicitly Christian, and I don’t feel like I can contribute in a sincere way). I’ve joined new ones, and dropped others, and it might take some trial and error for you to find your online home as well. As of today, I belong to six fertility-related groups, though I’m only really active in two. Recently, I’ve been drawn to the ones that are focused on TTC, and the support and camaraderie is really amazing.

“Praying for you!” “Sending baby dust your way!” *fingers crossed emojis*

It’s like having a built-in cheering section. We’re able to virtually share in each others’ anticipation, joy, and heartbreak, all in equal measure. We can seek and share advice from folks who “get it” when it feels like no one in our immediate life has any clue. It’s a way to feel so much less alone in a process that we’re told should be private, and shameful - definitely not talked about openly on a semi-public forum with literal strangers. But these strangers sincerely seem to want happiness and success for each other - something that is especially significant for Queer or single parents-to-be, whose IRL support systems either don’t want or don’t know how to be there for them. Plus, the fact that the other members are strangers means you can ask questions or express feelings you might be more cautious sharing with people you know personally. I’ve written before about the doom-spiral feeling that comes up when the only conception stories you hear are stories of struggle - and while that’s not absent in TTC groups, it’s definitely lessened. They’re oriented around hope - and since the members are actively pursuing pregnancy, that hope feels a lot closer. There's a prevailing sense that, in spite of what it may have taken to get to this point, this cycle might just be the one that works.

That's not to say that these groups are all just #goodvibesonly (at least not the ones I've stuck with, anyway). TTC groups have this unique quality, where a member’s positive pregnancy test will be met with a flood of heart reacts and excited comments - but it’s still totally okay to share how awful it feels when your coworker or second cousin or whoever announces their 4th pregnancy. Venting will be received and validated. It’s a true reprieve from the social-media friendly version of parenthood where nothing can ever appear to go wrong - or if it does you have to tell a heartwarming story about how it’s actually totally great, because it taught you compassion or resilience or whatever. Look, some experiences suck. And sure, there is usually something to be learned from those sucky experiences, but being reminded to be grateful for your pain while you’re feeling it doesn’t feel particularly good. Sometimes it’s better to just hear “Yup, that sucks. I hope it stops sucking soon.” That’s a message I haven't heard anywhere else, and it might be the thing I appreciate the most about my Facebook communities.

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Are you trying to conceive? Is there a group that's been especially helpful as you navigate the process?