Here’s a fact that might be surprising given how passionate I am about the subject now - I didn’t always see myself as a parent. I am not one of those people who knew from childhood that I wanted to have kids, and a lot of that has to do with compulsory heterosexuality. I knew as a teenager that I was attracted to women, but I didn’t start regularly describing myself to others as Queer or Gay until college. Around that time, and during my first serious same-sex relationship, I started unpacking my preconceptions about family - and planning for the future in ways I never had before. Until that point, I wasn’t able to envision myself marrying or raising children, because my Queerness didn’t fit in with the ideas I had about what makes a family. I saw the traditional heterosexual nuclear family, and there wasn’t a place in it for me. But over the years, I have learned that I can be a lesbian, and a partner, and a mother - and I don’t need to sacrifice one part of my identity in order to have another. My spouse and I have been able to build our own vision of what family looks like - one that doesn’t just accommodate us, but celebrates us. Instead of fitting into the heteronormative mold, we’re making our own.
To that end, I use the word “family” a little differently now. I still use the word to refer to my parents and siblings, and my extended biological relatives. My first family - the one I was born into, and with whom I am grateful to have a good relationship. My spouse and my in-laws, similarly, are my family. But we also have a chosen family, made up of our closest and dearest friends and community members. I’ve written about the concept of chosen family before - a term which originated within the LGBTQ community and was used to describe early Queer gatherings like the Harlem Drag Balls. It refers to the idea that a group of individuals can deliberately choose to play significant roles in each other's lives, regardless of biological or legal relationships. In addition, folks will often use the word “family” to inclusively identify someone as a member of our community. “Oh, they’re family.” While this take on family often stems from rejection by our birth families, I like to think that Queerness frees us from the belief that family is limited to who you share your genes with. It allows us to acknowledge the meaningful ways in which our loved ones support us and help us to grow.
The word intentional comes to mind when I consider our approach to family-building. Since biology excluded us from the typical narrative, we were able to discuss and imagine and dream on our ideal scenario from the very beginning. We consider the family we choose to be just as significant as the family we are born into in terms of shaping our worldview and sense of community, and we have had the opportunity to engage with family building from both of those perspectives (that is, by choice and by birth). That opportunity definitely informed our decision to seek an open relationship with known embryo donors. We want our donor-conceived kids to be able to connect with their genetic siblings, and to have relationships with a broad range of supportive adults. Our donors are Queer couple who we now consider members of our chosen family as well. In a method of reproduction that by definition includes outside parties, it is so affirming to bring in a set of parents who look a bit like us. There is no one way to go about it, but I believe that Queer family-building always has the potential to be a radical, intentional act - and I am so happy to be doing it in a way that is uniquely ours.
Are you an LGBTQ+ parent? What makes your approach to family a radical one?
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