I’m a pretty no-fuss person when it comes to my day-to-day wardrobe and styling. I enjoy getting done up for a special occasion, but I have rarely been the type of woman to go through multiple outfits before leaving the house. And yet, before each appointment with my Reproductive Endocrinologist, I find myself tossing sweaters and tops in a heap on the bed, struggling to strike the right balance between polished and approachable. Not too casual, lest I appear disinterested in the process - but not overly done-up, to avoid getting written off as a high-maintenance patient. My main concern is being taken seriously in an assisted reproduction environment, especially with a face that is often read as much younger than my 26 years - which is young enough as it is in the fertility world. I’m lucky that for me, being taken seriously by doctors is not likely to be a matter of life or death. However, as a woman - to say nothing of being Queer and young - I struggle to have my concerns taken seriously.
Advocating for yourself in your fertility journey is an essential skill to master. Throughout this process, I’ve picked up a few tips that may be helpful to those just starting out (and which you may find apply to other situations as well).
Do your own reading. Note that I don’t call it research, as it’s unlikely that the average fertility patient is performing field-defining research, but rather becoming well-read on the subject of our fertility. The point is, your doctor isn't going to know every single thing that might be relevant to your case. While you should trust them with your care, you should also be comfortable informing yourself. Of course, you should always try to seek out reputable sources like scientific journals or sites run by actual health practitioners. However, lots of information and advice in the fertility world gets passed around in online groups, or otherwise word-of mouth - make a note of these things to ask your doctor about later.
On that note: Make a list. I make a list on my phone before any appointment with any questions or concerns I want to bring up. Otherwise, my thoughts tend to get scattered while taking in new info, and I forget to address one thing or another.
Practice beforehand. I had to develop something of an EDA elevator pitch to clearly and succinctly explain our donor situation to various medical or legal staff. If I get flustered and am not able to express myself clearly, critical information might be missed or misinterpreted. Being prepared prevents this - plus, I am less likely to allow myself to be redirected or spoken over if I have a bit of a script in mind for what I intend to say.
Get comfortable with corrections. Just like the previous point, missing or inaccurate information can affect your care, so it’s important to assert yourself. Sometimes it seems like correcting someone will be an awkward and confrontational moment that brings the conversation to a screeching halt - but it doesn't have to be. I have a great trick to make corrections feel like less of a big deal. When someone misspeaks (for example, by saying “your husband,” or “the Dad”) I answer immediately, using the correct word. “No, my spouse won’t be able to make it to the next appointment.” “Yes, we do have a health history for the donor.” People usually correct, and the momentum of the conversation continues relatively unchanged.
Are you a fertility patient? What's your #1 tip for being your own advocate?
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