It's March 27th, 2020, and my spouse and I are getting ready to celebrate our 5th anniversary. It's Friday, and the much-needed end to a second week of sheltering-in-place in our home. Things are frightening and uncertain - and we’re going to dress to the nines, order takeout, and have a fabulous Friday night in our living room. The word that keeps coming to mind today is dichotomy - the things I’m feeling are in direct conflict with each other, but also impossible to feel separately.
I’m celebrating, while bracing for the worst.
Our first Embryo transfer cycle was cancelled just over a week ago, amid growing concerns about the Covid-19 Pandemic, and recently updated guidelines from the American Society of Reproductive Medicine. I’m continuing under the assumption that we’ll be able to continue TTC soon - I’m taking my prenatals, tracking my cycle, and doing everything else I can to prepare my body for pregnancy. I read 3 different articles today about major theaters shuttering in light of the pandemic. I wonder if my job is in danger. I have no idea what the future may hold in the coming months, or even years - and yet my yearning for a child is too powerful to ignore.
Dichotomy. Each thought appears, accompanied by its own contradiction.
I am bitterly, shamefully jealous of the women in my life who got pregnant before the outbreak. At the same time, I’m frightened for them, and relieved that I’m not pregnant in the midst of a global health crisis.
The fact that my spouse and I are not the sole deciders in how and when we reproduce seems especially pronounced, and especially unfair. And yet, the fact that the choice to proceed (and therefore the weight of the guilt if it goes wrong) is not on me is a relief.
I’m kicking myself for waiting as long as I did just to get my perfect timing. I'm angry that my perfectly timed attempt is shot. But I know that where kids are involved, there is no such thing as perfect timing, and all we can do is keep hoping that it will be our turn soon.
If you feel like sharing, please let me know how you’re coping with a cancelled cycle, or just generally dealing with the uncertainty of this climate. Please stay safe, and stay connected. And wash your hands!
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