Choosing not to Grieve this Mother's Day

Mother’s Day can be a deeply upsetting day for many who are trying to conceive. I’m not deeply upset by any measure, but I can admit that this year my feelings are more complicated than they have been in the past. This is usually a busy week for us already, with two birthdays in our immediate family, plus Mother’s Day celebrations with each of our Moms. This year, shelter-in-place has made things a little different, but the focus is still on my mother and mother-in-law. My whole life up until we began TTC, Mother’s Day has been a reason to celebrate my Mama. There is no difference this year - except that we will be celebrating virtually, and we all know that marathon Zoom calls are a peculiar kind of tiring. The point is, we love our moms, and see no reason to let our fertility struggles prevent us from wholeheartedly celebrating their contributions to our lives. That said, I think it’s okay to acknowledge that this day is not what we hoped for - both for ourselves and for our parents.

To start with, I miss my mom. We have the good fortune of living in the same small town as my in-laws, and even though we won’t be seeing them face-to-face this weekend, we know we’ll have the chance to celebrate together somewhat soon. My mother, on the other hand, lives in another state - and while she’s in great health and routinely kicking ass, her status as a Cancer survivor means travel and in-person visits aren’t likely for some time. For that reason, I’m even less comfortable than usual putting the focus on my own misery. My mother is an amazing woman, who has taught me a lot about the mom I hope to be. This is another year that the day will be all about her - as Mom, not as Grandma, and that’s just fine by me.

When I dream about being a mom in the future, Mother’s day is about the last thing that crosses my mind. This year doesn’t feel like a huge loss - and yet, I had really hoped I would be pregnant today, and this is a reminder (however small) that I’m not. I doubt we would have celebrated, even if I were pregnant - It would have been early, so no one but the two of us would even know. It would be our little private, exciting experience. The knowledge that we would get to be in the club soon. But the day has arrived, I’m still not pregnant, and that does weigh on my heart a little bit. Plus, while the focus being on our moms feels good, seeing my peers on Facebook celebrating with their little ones is more than I can handle.

I likely won’t be checking personal social media today, or tomorrow just to be safe. Because when it comes to moms in my age group, I am jealous. Jealousy is an uncomfortable feeling - especially in this area. I think parenthood is a wonderful thing, and I wouldn’t want it for myself if I didn’t also want it for others. I’ve been so impressed and inspired by some of the parents in my life, and I am happy for the families I know who are expecting babies. That’s what makes the simultaneous pang of resentment that I feel when I see someone’s sonogram photo or family portrait so painful. It's a bad feeling that makes me feel even worse for having had it. So I’m taking this day as a reminder to go inward - to celebrate the relationships I have which bring me comfort and joy. My inspiring Mama. My delightful mother-in-law. My family - not done growing, but still beautiful.

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Are you navigating Mother's Day while TTC? What helps you cope?