I recently began reading Angela Garbes’ Like a Mother. In the foreword, she lays out the conundrum that led her deeper into the science of pregnancy: the advice pregnant people get is often contradictory, and rarely has clear science to back it up. “It’s best to completely abstain from alcohol during pregnancy,” but “don’t worry about any drinking you did before your positive test!” At 16 weeks, I’m not showing to the point where unsolicited advice from perfect strangers has started flowing in - but I’ve gotten my fair share of contradictory advice all the same:
“If you’re struggling with nausea, don’t feel guilty about a plain diet - take in the calories you can, and remember to take your prenatal.” vs. “It’s important not to rely on your prenatal alone for the nutrition you need. Make sure to eat a healthy, balanced diet with lots of vegetables.”
“Don’t over-exert yourself - listen to your body’s cues, and be sure not to lift anything too heavy.” But also: “Make sure you’re getting exercise and staying active - a sedentary lifestyle is bad for you and baby!”
Depending on who you ask, pregnancy is an intuitive, natural experience that you can trust your body to handle instinctively - or you're a neglectful parent who's already doing everything wrong and you're going to ruin your child's life before they're even born. You kno, either or.
My approach to health is sort of go-with the flow hippie meets rigid scientific pragmatism. Honey and ginger if your sore throat is caused by a cold, and antibiotics if it's caused by strep. Yoga and massage for muscle pain, ER for broken bones. Vaccinate yourself and your kids (there's no flip side to that - just vaccinate yourself and your kids). It feels like common sense, and my choices so far during pregnancy reflect the same logic. Some guidelines are significant, while others are less important and I can afford to be more lax. For example, I still drink coffee and take my physician-approved SSRI every day, because I know that’s what’s best for me and therefore best for my unborn child. However, I don't drink any alcohol, because I believe that the potential enjoyment isn't worth the risks (plus I had a half-glass of champagne when I was like 6 weeks along, and I still remember that headache).
While in general I can be pretty confident in my (intensively-researched) personal choices, pregnancy makes me feel defensive and insecure in ways I'm typically not. For one thing, pregnancy is a time when everyone seems to feel like they have a right to a your body (more so than usual, that is). Everyone has advice and everyone is confident their way is the only way that works. Similarly, just as I feel extra defensive as a first-time parent, many established parents seem to feel judged when someone else’s plans don’t align with theirs. I’ve definitely gotten some frosty responses when I mention that I’m hoping for a water birth at a birth center. My birth plan is in no way intended to be a commentary on someone else’s - and the people offering advice almost certainly just want to help. But pregnancy, birth, and parenting are such personal and emotionally fraught experiences that discussing them almost seem guaranteed to leave someone feeling bad. Anyone who's been in a pregnancy or parenting group online long enough has seen the group implode - likely for this very reason.
Some decisions (like vaccination) are easy - the research is incredibly clear. However, the conflict described above is only heightened when the research is less clear, or when two options have comparable benefits or drawbacks. For example, a hospital birth is associated with better neonatal outcomes - especially for at-risk pregnancies, but many patients report dissatisfaction or trauma related to their care; Meanwhile, birth at a birth center is associated with lower rates of unwanted interventions and intervention-related injuries, but much higher out-of pocket expenses. In cases like these, it comes down to priorities, which will of course vary from person to person and situation to situation. When there is no clear "right" answer, you are liberated to make the choice that best resonates with you. The downside is that no matter what you choose, someone will be there to tell you you're wrong. It is a simultaneously empowering and disempowering experience. On the one hand, I’m making an actual freaking human life. How amazing is that? On the other hand, my body no longer fully belongs to me - I’m the host to another person, and am beholden to them with every decision that I make. As parents, my spouse and I are the ultimate authority on our own choices - but that doesn't mean we'll be left to make those choices in peace.
Are you pregnant, or a parent? What's some of the best or worst advice you've gotten?
Only the beginning indeed. Although TTC was also full of well meaning people trying to tell me they knew better than the doctors. But it only gets worse unfortunately. I'm not sure how people can deal with it. It's definitely getting to me.
Keira - follow your instincts and while you can absolutely hear out others' opinions, it's your body, your baby. I drank coffee throughout pregnancy and even in the final months had an occasional beer or glass of wine. Pregnancy is only the beginning of people providing unsolicited opinions regarding child rearing. I'm not answering your direct questions of best or worst advice - just want to support you in making your own decisions regardless of what anyone may say to you.